Author's note: This is a poem I have written for a contest. It also happens to be the first actual poem I have ever written. Any advice is welcome, although I admit poetry is not going to become my forte.
You sit down with paper
getting ready to write
prepared to make a masterpiece
a symbol of might
You write down a plot and give it some jazz
for your character you pick a name
that no one else has
You give her some powers
you give her some looks
You make her everything
that you've read in the books
She has all of the guys
She has all of the fame
Everybody in Metropolis
knows of her name.
She knows the square root of pie
backwards times two
She can bake mean cherry pies
and kick butt nicely too.
Her hair is darker than night
Her eyes purpler than a flower
you don't care that you made up a word just now
because she's the epitome of power.
You name her Cordelia Marie KissyMcgoo
But you didn't know her name was actually Mary
and her last name was Sue.
You hand your book out
proud of what you have done.
You expect your readers to love it and have lots of fun
But when they read it
it was to your surprise
That they the ripped it to shreds and gouged out their eyes
What have you done, you think with despair
your character has the talent, the powers the hair
She's perfect, you think, so why do they hate?
Why do they want to serve Cordelia up on a plate?
"Darn it you fool, your conscience now says
It was because of perfection that
readers are dead
You made her too perfect
you made her too nice
and because of it now
we've all payed the price."
You get down on fours
Which means getting on knees
and ask to your conscience
what your character needs
Your conscience just laughs
but because he's so nice.
he gives you some well intentioned advice.
"Now because you are lame, I'll give you a tip
Make Cordelia person, not an off of a rip
Give her some interests
give her some likes
Give her some hates, some loves and less might.
What does she want?
What does she need?
What dark things would she do
to accomplish a deed?
Would she kill for a burger?
(Literally, of course.)
Would she jog up and down
and obstacle course?
What is her past?
And what has it done?
If you tell me her parents are toast
I'll serve you up on a bun
Give her a flaw
preferably two
and don't try to make her a perfect version of you.
Work on her looks
something more real
because we know that violet eyes
makes us want to make her hurt and squeal
Give her a soul
make us relate
that, my friend,
is how she won't wind up on a plate."
You pat your conscience gratefully
which quite hurts your head
and do your best to revive your readers
back from the dead
You give Mary some spark
some greatness some jazz
and realize what a great story you have
And when it's all good and done you feel original and new
Because her name isn't Mary
and her last name is not Sue.
___________________
-Reviews are appreciated!
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This. Was. An. Amazing. Poem! The rhythm does remind me of Dr. Seuss, though. But that's a good thing. Personally, I think you're much better then me at poems! This is really impressive for a first poem, especially. It was funny, well-written, and very good advice. I loved the rhyming pattern. As for improvements, I think all I saw were a couple little things like typos, puctuation and words that could be taken out here and there. But overall, I really, really loved this poem! Anyways, I look forward to working with you in the contest. I can't wait to see what we come up with.
Hi!
I really enjoyed reading this poem, it was funny, and had a meaning.
What can I say? B-e-autiful work!
Send me a PM if there is anything you want too ask.
Milo
Hey Esther!
You've listened to the song, so you know what it sounds like, but we changed the lyrics to smooth it out and get rid of the awkward lines that we stumbled on! This is what we changed it to. Maybe this will help you in your quest for better poems?
Thank you very much!
Congrats
Hey Esther! Congrats on winnnig!
Wow, thank you very much. I will keep these thoughts in mind, thank you.
Hi Esther,
I hope you stick with poetry.
Haha, this was very funny and I really enjoyed it, especially;
"kick butt nicely too"
and
"She's perfect, you think, so why do they hate?"
The last three lines are great.
I'd avoid twisting syntax, for example "for a character you pick a name" could very easily be "you pick a name for your character", and it would flow better.
It's a bit bumpy in places; "You don't care that you....power." I'd read this aloud and that will help you get a sense of how it sounds and how it can be polished up.
I'd change "conscience" to "Imagination" because I think it makes more sense.
I'd also try to shorten it because sometimes you're saying the same thing but in different ways.
This was very enjoyable and made me happy.
Hope this helps,
Jas
This was really good for a first poem. It kinda reminded me of Dr. Seuss's wriding style. You repeated some of the ideas, but you should be happy with what you create no matter what other people think.
Thanks for the read!
A. S.